An honest Guest Blogger (my friend)

I'm a pretend hard-woman, I have always prided myself in my strength and resilience. Slow to tears quick to... broad shoulder-ness? Nothing prepared me for children. Nothing prepared me for raising a child with autism. The tears flow, the strength ebbs, the broad shoulders are narrow. So narrow.

Our superhero has autism. He's 4, strong, stronger willed & appears to be my kryptonite.
There's no easing our way into our day. The minute he's awake, so is his mind and his super power. Control. The demands come thick and fast, the meltdowns follow. The toast is too squishy, his hands are too dirty, his clothes are too scratchy, the kettle is too loud. So I rush around trying to solve problems before they become problems. Usually without a bra. Or pants.


Then there is our 2 year old Damsel. She is usually being ignored or being hurt. It's unintentional, Superhero has the louder voice, the biggest demands, the largest meltdowns, the strongest will and the highest anxiety. He's unusually strong and hurts accidentally. Sometimes not accidentally. Our poor Damsel is patient. She's joyous and cheeky, shes apparently deaf for all the listening she does. None. She enjoys eating the rubbish from the bin rather than the food I've slaved over making. She is tiny. Sometimes I forget.

My Superman makes it four in our clan. We tag team on days where one copes and the other doesn't. When I'm not, he graciously and non judgementally  lifts me from my mood, my selfish brooding and reminds me it's not about being Superwoman- it's about getting through. By whatever means. Be it chicken nugget dinners for life, or ABC kids for eternity. My Superman-husband, so patient with me.

Somedays I feel like I'm failing them all and they deserve better. Other days, darker days, I wish for a different Superhero & Damsel. There's a funny saying that goes 'when you have kids your days are no longer your own', how foolish we are to think they were ours to begin with.
How humbling it is to have kryptonite.

Anxiety has come to visit

 

 

For the last couple of months I have been feeling quiet irritable and tired. I remember feeling like this at almost the exact time last year, the beginning of spring. I love my life, its amazing. It has confused me why I have been feeling this way. I have been taking the majority of it out on my husband. I really don't know how he deals with me, but it makes me love him so much more.

I tried acupuncture twice and took some Chinese herbs but not a lot shifted. On a day off I was almost storming around the house up and down the stairs going from room to room. I was feeling so confused and frustrated with life and myself and everyone in my way. Knowing full well it wasn't anyone's fault I was feeling this way.
As I come out of a room looking and feeling busy and confused, Ben stopped me and asked me so gently "Leis are you ok" I begun to tell him, that I was feeling really lost and overwhelmed. My goal was to tidy up due to yet another move, still unpacking. Any job I wanted to accomplish totally overwhelmed me, Even the smallest of jobs like unpacking the smallest box.

Ben has suffered from a huge amount of Anxiety over the years and I think maybe he almost felt I was mirroring him in times of his life.
He begun to suggest as kindly as he could to the angry demon that had taken of his wife. That I may be suffering from Anxiety. This is something that hadn't even crossed my mind. I thought because of spring my chi was unbalanced like the following year. Sadly now It seemed like much more then that. This conversation was indeed a light bulb moment.
I remember as soon as Ben had made this suggestion that something happen and I hugged him and cried for what felt like an hour. I headed inside and ran a bath so I could STOP and think.
Ben came in and sat on the edge of the bath and we chatted and finally I opened up and told him he was right. I then went on to explain to him how I was feeling.

I soon realized that I was also grieving we had recently received a diagnosis for one of our boys. Although this diagnosis was not a shock. this is something we have known for so long but when  a group of professional's in their field validate what you have thought all along, That's hard to swallow . I was grieving the life that my child will never have, grieving the child we would never have and the challenges that lay ahead.

So ,yes life at present seemed very overwhelming. The following morning I decided I need to take some time away from the shop and Ben agreed I was a babbling mess at this stage. I felt like a huge open wound that was to ready to be exposed. Working in retail can be very draining. I am a very sensitive person and people have always opened up to me about their life or the struggles and I had my own to deal with. Even making a phone call or putting load of washing seemed to much.

My plan was rejuvenation and owning my feelings and just sitting with them. Allowing myself to cry or yell or sleep and take long baths and have friends over that made me feel happy and safe.

I also needed to make a plan that was going to help get my confused mind out of this hole. For most of my 20's I had suffered from Mild to Chronic depression so I knew I needed a plan, before the black dog ate me for breakfast. I have been well for 4 years and I knew what I needed to look after myself.

Plan is still in process but i am starting to feel a lot better. I have good days and days that I feel like crawling in a hole or just going to bed. If i can i try and catch up with a friend, eat chocolate and watch funny videos on YouTube.

Plan consist of
yoga + Meditation
Hanging out with positive happy and supportive people.
Being kind to myself
Not taking to much on
Talking to a therapist

I am NOT anti Medication but i feel like these things need to be exhausted first. I have never been opposed to taking Anti anxiety or anti-depressant's there have been times in my life that these things have helped me so much when nothing else could or did.

Sadly im hearing of other friends of mine having small breakdowns. I really think we need to listen to what our bodies, minds and souls need. I think life is so full on and challenging we need to learn to stop and re-juvenate.

Be kind to your self.

 Photos by Jay Black - andthetrees

Now selling

I have been trying for Months to do a photo-shoot, so i can sell on my facebook page. 

Life is so busy and overwhelming so i just made this shoot as easy as i could.

A friend to model/No makeup or hair just a camera and a good light oh and some amzing vintage clothing. 

This all happened in the shop so i could also still be open. 

It was such a hot day but we still managed to have lots of laughs.

Thanks again Holly you are wonderful for helping me out. 

If you like any of these pieces, please follow us on facebook.

Kaleidoscope Bellingen

 

A 10 year wedding anniversary by the river.

 

Last Sunday was a very special day for Ben and I. It was our 10 year wedding anniversary. We organised a picnic by the river to celebrate this day with our beautiful friends. The day couldn't have been more perfect. It was everything I imagined- great friends, yummy vegetarian food (all made by friends), the sounds of happy children, music, laughter and some tears. 

Although we have only known these people for a year somehow it feels like they have been in our lives for so much longer. It's really special that our friends were all able to share this day with us. We don't hold marriage of a greater importance than not being married but it was a pretty good excuse to share the love and have a great celebration.

I wrote a three page open letter to my incredible husband, and read it out to him in front of all of friends. I tried my best to get through it without falling apart and I did pretty well. I was brave and felt strong even with tears streaming down my face. Although I had a friend on hand to read this letter if i was to fall apart, I soon discovered I needed to read it till the end. We both thought it would be a little weird if she was to read it, for her and for Ben.

It's hard to sum up how much you love and adore someone in three pages. Apparently I did a great job. Ben isn't the public speaker kind and I don't need him to tell me in front of everyone how much he loves me. He shows and tells me how much he loves me everyday. 

A part of me would love to share my open letter but I wont, It's probably a little private for the web. Although I can share a little snippet: 

When I lost my pop at 14 I thought that was it for me. I never thought I would feel that love again. I know he sent me you, he knew you were the right person for the job. I sometimes think I am not worthy of the love you give me.

I knew Ben had planned something special, what I thought he might have planned was so off the mark. After I spoke, He stood up and gave me a drawing he had been working on. It was a portrait of me. Amongst other things Ben is a great artist and this is something he hasn't pursued since before we even met. I always wanted him to draw me, so you can imagine how happy and surprised I was when he gave me this gift. 

We consider ourselves pretty lucky to have something as special as what we have. We know this kind of love is rare.

It hasn't been all roses at all. It has been so much hard work, growing together and trying to blend together. 

I will never have the right words to tell this man how much I love him. He is truly an amazing human being and an incredible husband and father. 

I want to thank all my special friends and their children for spending the day with us and contributing. Thanks to my gorgeous friend Jay from and the trees for the lovely photos, although I dont like that Jay isn't in any of them. Next time I'll be sharing that amazing camera of hers. 

Leis :)

Time to get fit

Weight and bad eating habits are something I have struggled with for so many years. I have a size 10 figure but am a size 14. I am naturally curvy and feel blessed to have these curves, a classic 1950's woman.

I really don't like when I hear people say "oh but Leis, you've had kids." I don't use that as an excuse for myself ever. Of course your belly stretches, you loose some boob mass and maybe collect some stretch marks along the way. Although I have all of these, I have been a size 10 after having both children.

My weight gain is due to being a naturally lazy person and having an over powering sweet tooth. I almost feel like I have a bad 7 year olds palate.

The more crap I eat, the more I seem to crave?  

I was around 25 when my brother said "Leisa under that fat you have a great body." 

My brother has been very interested in fitness for such a long time. I always wished I had his energy and also his metabolism. By no means was he being unkind. I think it is something only family could get away with, and I know this was his way of waking me up and helping me. He always wanted to help me lose weight and get healthy. Sadly I was too depressed to care about those things.

At my heaviest I was 84 kilos and for my smallish frame this is quite large. 

Throughout my entire 20's I struggled with chronic depression (that's a whole other post) and I ate so much. I'm like Oprah but obviously not black and have heaps less money than her. I was always envious of those people that were going through hard times and lost weight because they were so stressed. I not only was depressed in my 20's but I was mostly overweight and struggled with low self esteem. 

I have been rid of anti depression medications for 4 years I guess and have never felt better. In 2010 I lost 8 kilos or so and I think after giving up smoking a good year ago some of that might have come to re visit. 

I wish my self esteem was better. My personal self esteem is great. I know I'm awesome ha ha. I know I'm a good person,a great listener and friend, hilariously funny and entertaining. I'm a great mum and wife. But when I look at photos and see my reflection, sadly its not a warm feeling i get.

Don't get me wrong, Im not on some huge mission to look like a Victoria Secret angel. I just simply want to feel good about my self. I want to enjoy exercise and eating healthier and look in the mirror without all that yucky self talk. I would like body parts not to wobble and jiggle so much. I want to be ok with people taking my photo. 

I have so many photos of my self with my little children that I hate looking at because i think that's not me. Im not that chubby person. I guess if you knew me this might sound ridiculous but please don't get me wrong. In no ways am i a vain or pretentious type of person. I don't need to be one of those women that men and women think "Fuck off that chick's hot". 

I really don't care to much about what people see or think of me. I'm doing this for myself. I believe you only can do things for yourself. If you try to lose weight or give up smoking for example, for someone other then yourself I think there is a huge chance of potential failure. 

I think my biggest issue is yes what i see in the mirror but also how i feel. I feel like shit my back hurts, my legs hurt and if i dare do any exercise i feel sore for days. Im so unfit.

Just this week i have made some great changes I finally joined the Samba group and made a promise to myself I would do some form of exercise every day and stretch.

These photos of me when I'm nearly at my heaviest.

This is me in a size 8 Dress, I have no need or expectation to ever wear a size 8 again.

I just thought it was a good comparison. 

So wish me luck for operation GET FIT AND HEALTHY!

Friendships

I always dreamed of having friends that loved me and treated me as well as I do them. I would often see quotes and poems about friendship and think that sounds great but I really haven't had much of that. I didn’t get what all the fuss was about,

Most friends I’ve had in the past haven’t been what these things were portraying. Now of course I’m not talking about every friendship I have ever had but a lot of them.

In hindsight maybe I was attracting these people, maybe I thought that was all I was worthy of?

Before I moved to Bellingen and just after I had a few horrible fallings out with “friends” of mine.

I came here hurt, confused and feeling like I definitely had enough of been used and spat out and misunderstood.I had enough of adults assuming whatever they hear from others must be true. I came to Bellingen lucky to have my husband also being my bestfriend by my side and I was happy with that and thought that’s all I needed.

I built a shield around me because I was afraid to make friends again and I didn’t want to go through arguments and drama that I had just being through.

Not long after we moved to bello, My Mother in law looked at me one day and she said “leis you need to let that wall down, you have lost that softness about you”  She wanted me to be open to meeting new people and I was just scared, afraid that I was going to find the same kind of friends and I would get hurt all over again and I just wanted peace and to be happy.

Julie (MIL) mentioned I seemed harder then I really am. She went on and explained you’re a soft friendly loving person and its not coming through. I told her I had done this for a reason. I had hardened my heart because of the fear of getting hurt. I told her I needed to toughen up. She didn’t agree, We agreed to leave this conversation alone for a while. I told her I needed to settle in and do some healing.

I told her I have her and Ben and my boys here and that’s all I needed.

A year on and somehow these amazing people of Bellingen have wooed me into their and their children's lives  and I have never felt so loved and appreciated.

Ok break time… I’m tearing up.

Ok I’m back,

now where was I, hmmm yes The amazing people of Bellingen. I guess now I know what all those poem’s and quotes where about. 

Friends are the family you choose for yourself! I love that one and I get it now.

My dad ('step in' dad) Clive came to visit me recently. As we walked around to find a café we could have a coffee at, I was stopped several times, greeting hugging and chatting to friends & acquaintances and people I see everyday but don’t know their names.

He commented to my son Brai “Does mum know everyone here?” Braidyn replied, “ mum has so many friends poppy”. 

It’s a small town, I grew up in a small coastal town the all too familiar “I’m just going down the road to get milk”, everyone knew this would take at least an hour. Mostly this is wonderful, knowing when you go to just get milk, you will run into at least two people you know and end up chatting to. Only when your'e in a rush is this a problem. But as they say nothing happens fast in bello.

Ok back to my friends, I’ve never been hugged so much in my life and really hugged, my friends have embraced me and my family and it feels like I have known them not for months but for years. You have deep conversations where you are really listening to that person and you are being heard by that person and you get to see these people everyday!. Friendships seem to  build fast and sometimes intensely. There is nothing pretentious and fake about these friendships.

These amazing friends help me in so many ways, they help me like myself, believe in myself, they help me clean my house, they support us as a family, they take care and love my children, they cook dinner when we are not well, they make me feel safe and appreciate and laugh they make me laugh. 

You notice you smile and light up when you see them or they ring. (sorry not sure about this sentence, - not sure which point of view you are talking about)

There is no small talk but in-depth conversations about your troubles your past, your day to day goings on and your ideas. We have a pretty challenging life at home ( I won't go into why) but we have never had so much support with this. Just this morning one of my friends came and washed up while I had a 5 minute shower. After sleeping in because I was unwell and exhausted from the day before. I had 23 minutes to get washed and showered and dressed and to work. After venting to Nicole about the day before, I went on and told her I’m sick of my house looking like a tornado had hit it. While I was getting ready she washed up for me and then walked me to work. 

I can honestly say I have never had so much love and support in my life. EVER.

Nicole explained she wanted to help and she said we all just want to help and support you leisa. I felt tears coming to visit my eyes and did my best to explain like I have said to other friends. Ben and I aren’t used to this, we are not accustomed to all this generosity and support. So sometimes it’s hard to ask for it or even accept it. I've always thought I was this kind of friend but haven't felt I've had it much in return and now i do in abundance.

I know these are real friendships. I know they're not of convenience, I know these people wouldn’t assume if they heard anything about you they would just take that as the truth. They aren’t your friend to see what they can get from you. We all moved here for the same reason. To build our own families to live in a vibrant warm and safe community.

I just hope my friends truly know how much they mean to me and how much love I have for them. I hope they know they made my heart soften again and to learn to trust again. 

These photos are of my hand and some friends i was lucky enough to see or spend time with during the last few days. Some i still haven't managed to capture but i think you know who you are.