Anxiety has come to visit

 

 

For the last couple of months I have been feeling quiet irritable and tired. I remember feeling like this at almost the exact time last year, the beginning of spring. I love my life, its amazing. It has confused me why I have been feeling this way. I have been taking the majority of it out on my husband. I really don't know how he deals with me, but it makes me love him so much more.

I tried acupuncture twice and took some Chinese herbs but not a lot shifted. On a day off I was almost storming around the house up and down the stairs going from room to room. I was feeling so confused and frustrated with life and myself and everyone in my way. Knowing full well it wasn't anyone's fault I was feeling this way.
As I come out of a room looking and feeling busy and confused, Ben stopped me and asked me so gently "Leis are you ok" I begun to tell him, that I was feeling really lost and overwhelmed. My goal was to tidy up due to yet another move, still unpacking. Any job I wanted to accomplish totally overwhelmed me, Even the smallest of jobs like unpacking the smallest box.

Ben has suffered from a huge amount of Anxiety over the years and I think maybe he almost felt I was mirroring him in times of his life.
He begun to suggest as kindly as he could to the angry demon that had taken of his wife. That I may be suffering from Anxiety. This is something that hadn't even crossed my mind. I thought because of spring my chi was unbalanced like the following year. Sadly now It seemed like much more then that. This conversation was indeed a light bulb moment.
I remember as soon as Ben had made this suggestion that something happen and I hugged him and cried for what felt like an hour. I headed inside and ran a bath so I could STOP and think.
Ben came in and sat on the edge of the bath and we chatted and finally I opened up and told him he was right. I then went on to explain to him how I was feeling.

I soon realized that I was also grieving we had recently received a diagnosis for one of our boys. Although this diagnosis was not a shock. this is something we have known for so long but when  a group of professional's in their field validate what you have thought all along, That's hard to swallow . I was grieving the life that my child will never have, grieving the child we would never have and the challenges that lay ahead.

So ,yes life at present seemed very overwhelming. The following morning I decided I need to take some time away from the shop and Ben agreed I was a babbling mess at this stage. I felt like a huge open wound that was to ready to be exposed. Working in retail can be very draining. I am a very sensitive person and people have always opened up to me about their life or the struggles and I had my own to deal with. Even making a phone call or putting load of washing seemed to much.

My plan was rejuvenation and owning my feelings and just sitting with them. Allowing myself to cry or yell or sleep and take long baths and have friends over that made me feel happy and safe.

I also needed to make a plan that was going to help get my confused mind out of this hole. For most of my 20's I had suffered from Mild to Chronic depression so I knew I needed a plan, before the black dog ate me for breakfast. I have been well for 4 years and I knew what I needed to look after myself.

Plan is still in process but i am starting to feel a lot better. I have good days and days that I feel like crawling in a hole or just going to bed. If i can i try and catch up with a friend, eat chocolate and watch funny videos on YouTube.

Plan consist of
yoga + Meditation
Hanging out with positive happy and supportive people.
Being kind to myself
Not taking to much on
Talking to a therapist

I am NOT anti Medication but i feel like these things need to be exhausted first. I have never been opposed to taking Anti anxiety or anti-depressant's there have been times in my life that these things have helped me so much when nothing else could or did.

Sadly im hearing of other friends of mine having small breakdowns. I really think we need to listen to what our bodies, minds and souls need. I think life is so full on and challenging we need to learn to stop and re-juvenate.

Be kind to your self.

 Photos by Jay Black - andthetrees